Honest About Relationships

Since 3 years of my college life was dedicated to rowing there was never any time or interest to be in a relationship with any guy.

Lately though, for the past mmm...year, I have been feeling a little lonely, jealous, and angry over one area of my life.

Relationships.

Especially lately. And here is what I have to say about it.

Over the past couple of months I have been bitter and selfish towards my friends relationships. I have found that once they are in one they spend all their time with their boyfriend and change themselves slightly to what the "other" likes or does. I am basically the only single friend among my friends right now, and have to hear them talk about their relationships non-stop. I was especially annoyed with this during spring break because we had all the time in the world to talk about it. I just could not get away from hearing about what they like to do, what their little quarks were, and how happy they make them. It's as almost it was being rubbed in.

Now I am as about as laid back as a person can get, but there is one thing that annoys me the most lately. Girls planning their schedules around their boyfriends. I don't know if guys do this or not, but I have been noticing that a lot of my friends (most) sketch out on events or they "have to see what the bf is doing first." I understand this slightly but not the extent as what I have been seeing lately. 

I think that the reason it is bothering me to an extreme extent is that I feel like I am loosing my friends to relationships slowly one by one and I am seeing times change before my eyes. I am slowly not being able to relate to them anymore. It's almost interesting in a way because it is like God is telling me "this part of your life is coming to an end and it's getting closer to when you are going to be moving to another part of the country to meet new people and make new friends!" Ugh! how I dread making a new life somewhere. 

I'm lonely. I want to be in a relationship with someone I LIKE, not just someone who happens to like me. I want to know the happiness that my friends are experiencing. I long for the time that I can hug on someone. As time goes on longer and longer the longing becomes more intense and I PRAY TO GOD that I never settle.

Paul talks about how much of a blessing it is to be single. He is so content with it. I hope that God either takes this desire out of my heart or that he will bless me with contentedness with my singleness. Why is there such a pressure to be in a relationship and that we won't be happy with never being in one?

When did relationships become the ultimate ideal happiness?

3 Years of My Life

Photo obviously taken by Sport Graphics

I found this photo from looking through all the events we entered on the Sport Graphic website the other day. It make me think about what all we went through in my 3 years of racing. The expression on my face in this picture does not even describe to me what I was feeling at that moment. At every start in the spring (which are the 2k races) we start from a complete stand still and wait for the countdown and buzzer with other crews on each side of us. At every start in every race that I have been in there was a build up of adrenaline sitting in my stomach making me almost want to throw up. When we would finally get going we would all go super fast at like a 40-42 stroke rating (42 strokes per minute). They say that you reach your maximum heart rate on the third stroke, and you don't get done until 7 or 8 minutes (depending on the current/weather). 

I had to quit this past year because I just got sick of what I was doing and felt the need to focus more on my art. I really didn't like a lot of the decisions being made and also I didn't feel as though our coach really took care of us physically. I got sick one week and finally accumulated a 100+ fever and was still made to row. I ended up in the hospital the next day. It's stuff like that, that made me really question how well the trainers and coach was taking care all of us. I am all about pushing myself and seeing how far I can go, but that just went a little too far for me.

When I first thought about no longer continuing I thought that I would miss it tremendously and that it would be hard to get back a social life that I was missing out on, but it has been GREAT! I love that I'm not rowing anymore. Sure there are some thoughts that come up when I still miss it but man am I loving sleeping past 5 am! I have a social life now! All my time was spent with rowing so there wasn't much time to socialize outside of the athletics. 

Don't get me wrong I loved it while I was doing it, but there are some things that I missed out on that I wish I didn't. 1) dating anybody 2)spring breaks, I had my first one this year and it was awesome 3)sleep. period. 4)working and earning money.

I think that right now #1 is hitting me hard right now. I have gone through my whole college career without hardly dating any guy. All my friends are either getting engaged/married, are in serious relationships, or are just now getting in one. I think God is really testing my patients here and I am failing at being content about it. 

to be continued.......

Social Science THE HOLOCAUST

What great news I received today! I had filled out an audit form awhile ago and went today to get the results back about when I would graduate and what all classes I had left to take. I was thinking going into it that I had at least two classes if not more thinking and hoping I was going to be able to graduate in August.

Well, the lady sits me down and goes through the audit and tells me "well it looks like all you need is just one writing course and you'll be done" wow! what a blessing! I am so excited. I thought that I would at least be cramming another two courses in the first part of the summer and have no time for anything else before I headed to TX to work at the camp. 

The writing course that I've been wanting to take is a Social Science on the Holocaust and meets everyday but Friday for a month and then I'll be done! WWII has been my favorite thing to study since I was a little kid. I always never really liked to study history because there was always a lot of reading and memorizing dates, but WWII has always been something that engulfs my attention. I could read, look at pictures, watch movies, and t.v. shows about it for forever. I have no idea why this subject in particular fascinates me but I does. Mostly the Holocaust part of it.

I can't fathom why someone would want to wipe out a whole group of people. It's astounding and angers me. I get so angry thinking about Hitler and all those others who were so awful. How did the guards of those camps feel so angry towards those people and look them in the eye and shoot them, gas them, and work them to the bone?

I just heard the other day that Muslims don't believe in the Holocaust because they think that it was just to make people have sympathy towards the Jewish. UUGHHH!! 

It makes me sick.

I supposed to be going to Germany in December possibly over Christmas visiting my brother while he is stationed there with my sister in-law and my mom. I am really interested in actually going to the camps and seeing old buildings of that time. Europe is where a whole lot of history is and I have sadly never been there.

Martin Schoeller

Martin Schoeller is a photographer that is known for these kind of portraits. I find them to be amazing and mesmerizing. He has done countless celebrities and political figures. He is one of my favorite photographers and tend to go back to look at his work the most. He is who has inspired me to do portraits. The way he captures eyes is amazing.

The top photo is a series he has done on women body builders. Creepy if you ask me, but I can't stop looking at them.... it's just weird.

The second photo is of a series he did of the Piraha tribe in Northwestern Brazil. Those are some beautiful people.

blind

I was listening to the radio and heard a song which sounded something that came from The Sundays and low and behold it was (an old one)!

I haven't heard them in so long and it brought back memories of one of their albums called blind. I remember when I first heard them and listened to this album of theirs. My brother Aaron was the big music person in the family at the time (or at least the one who bought the most cds) so he exposed me to many different people before someone of my age would have heard them. That is one thing that I appreciate about him and learned from him and has influenced the way I am today.

I love, love, love music and it's a shame that I have no talent in playing anything or singing because if I did I would have gone into that. I appreciate all types of music and am always looking for new artists and different types of music.

But back to the album blind of The Sundays..... I remember going on this trip to the beach with the church high school group. I was younger than everybody else (and not actually in high school yet) and had brought this album with me to play in my portable c.d. player (wow, that sounds so weird now with ipods and such haha). The whole time I would just play this c.d. over and over and over again. I LOVED THIS CD, especially the song Goodbye. Goodbye was a song in particular I remember that I liked. I remember I tried to get in the van with people that I thought were cool and wanted to fit in with them but they all wanted to sit together. If I had rode with them it would have messed up their group, so as soon as I got in the van everybody suddenly changed their mind and got in a different van. I was a little disappointed with my failed efforts of fitting in. So, I sat up in the front seat with my youth pastor driving, put my head phones on, feet propped up on the dashboard, listening to The Sundays blind CD. 

The song on the radio (Summertime) just brought back that memory. It's funny how someone's voice or a particular song will trigger a memory like that. 

Doberman

These dogs are freaking awesome.

I'm thinking about getting one after I graduate and accumulate some sort of salary.

So, I might be 30 before that happens....

Of course being an artist I could be home enough to take care of it....depending on how much people like my works. 

Watchmen

So, last night I went to go see a movie with one of my friends/co-workers and saw Watchmen. 

I didn't know what it was really about besides the fact that it was a comic book. Never read it...... (remember, I don't read.)

Anyways, she asked me to go with her so I thought "sure I'll go I've been working long and hard today I'll treat myself to a movie" So I watched the preview on my movies widget thing on my laptop and it still didn't really tell me what it was about but go anyway.

We get in the movie theatre and I see this kid sitting with his parents waiting to watch this movie and I recalled the rating being R and think to myself "are you kidding me? you're bringing your 5 or 6 year old to see an R rated movie?? hmmm.... maybe they didn't know what it was rated and thought that it was a good old comic book movie for kids too"

well, it wasn't.

This movie was NOT what I was expecting. I was shocked with how much violence was in this thing yet even more shocked with the nudity and sex scenes in it! I'm telling you this movie seriously should have been rated X. And the whole time I was thinking about this poor kid having to sit in there watching it. I was waiting on the parents to leave dragging their kid out of there but they never budged. Seriously?? I can't get over how awful that is for a child that age to see something like that. It makes me sick to my stomach.

Unicorn

My roommate wanted to be a unicorn when she was little.

This one turned out to be one of my favorites.

on an unrelated note.....

I found this verse in Isaiah chapter 26

"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Trust in the Lord always, for the Lord God is the eternal Rock. He humbles the proud and brings down the arrogant city. He brings it down to the dust."

-I think the book of Isaiah is one of my favorite books of the Bible. It just has some awesome verses.

I am all the time failing at what God calls me to do and feel bad about it when I don't do what I should. Then I remember that God really doesn't need me. Who am I to think that I am so high and mighty to think that the world will fall to pieces if I don't do the right thing. 

And man do I struggle with my walk with God, yet don't we all? Like, reading my Bible for instance, I HATE to read. I wish I loved to read but it has always been a struggle to sit down and just read... mainly because I am SO SLOW at it. Therefore I am all the time going through this struggle cycle of reading the Bible and not reading the Bible. Yet when I read it I feel so refreshed and a peace throughout my day. 

Do you ever pray and then get done with your prayer and think, "wow, that was an awesome prayer! I am so good at praying right now.... I bet God really like that one! I am such a good person!" and then think after you thought that... "woah, I don't pray to be in good standing with God! What a doofus I am! I need to ask for forgiveness" and then pray for forgiveness for thinking so arrogantly and then think that you are such a good person for praying for forgiveness? Then you start to think "man, I am an awesome person again, I just asked for forgiveness for thinking I was such a good person because I prayed, I'm doing awesome!" and the cycle continues on and on.... hahaha, What an idiot I am sometimes. 

I bet God gets a good laugh out of us a lot!

Project Idea

Thursday I went to a fabric store to get some canvas to turn into photo "paper". There is this process that you can do with liquid emulsion. Basically, it's the photography paper chemicals in a liquid form so that you can brush it onto any material (rocks, glass, fabric, etc.) and make your own photo paper.  For those of you who don't know what I am talking about this type of photo paper is not the kind you print with a machine... this is the kind that cannot see light and you develop the picture in the darkroom. 

Anyways, I get the canvas and put the liquid emulsion on it in the darkroom during class, and while I'm putting it on I come up with this idea for a photo project that I think will be a huge impact on people. See, I think a lot while I'm doing things or in the shower. Those tend to be times where I do a lot of thinking. So, this idea that I have is something I don't know if I want to reveal yet because of how intense it will be and I don't want let people down if I fail at it. 

This project that I want to do is super intense and will be very emotionally and mentally difficult. It is something that will take a lot of research and time and I will definitely not be able to do it while I'm in school. The subject of the idea sounds like something that would be in Time magazine and I have no idea where I would go to find someone to support my idea and help fund it, because let's face it artists don't get enough money to live off of unless you are famous or a wedding photographer. I am really excited about this project but know that by the time I will get to it I will be pretty nervous about it. The picture above is a hint to some of what it is about, but I don't want to give too much away right now until I actually start on it.

The thought of myself become a wedding photographer makes me want to barf.

I have no idea what I am going to do when I get out of school. I should be scared but I could care less right now. I think that is a gift from God.

I've thought about going into the Peace Corps. and am actually in the process of filling out an application. Then I start thinking about why I am applying, "am I just running away from trying to figure out what to do?"..... I don't think so.... I don't know. It would only be two years of my life and I would be helping people out that need my help. I just really hope I don't get stuck with a job that is all about myself and not any good. 

I really want to do good in this world by genuinely helping people that don't have it as good as we do here in the U.S. I want to be like Jesus was.

This post is very scatterbrained so I'm just going to leave it at this.

Cookie Monster and his stogie

Title: Cookie Monster smokes a stogie

Recently I've been doing portraits, which I'm still continuing with but lately I've had this idea for a series.....

Taking a stuffed animal cookie monster around town like he's got his own life other than that on Sesame Street. It's a kind of mockery of the paparazzi and the media towards the obsession of celebrities. I see in all these magazines and in the internet that take pictures of celebrities while doing normal everyday activities like they "are normal people just like the rest of us" and how different they are from the characters you see them play.

well I'm pretty much taking that idea and doing that with cookie monster and putting him in a light that seems completely different than what cookie monster is really like on the show.

I'm still deciding on whether or not I'm just going to use cookie monster or other kid T.V. characters......

I don't know what I'm going to call the series yet but I've got a couple titles rumbling in my head.

1) Child Paparazzi

2) The Cookie Monster Saga

......